–is that it’s impossible, so something’s gotta give.
What are my goals right now? To be good at teaching, writing, and wifeing (not a word, yeah yeah, but I’m a fan of parallelism).
Teaching pays the bills, and there are 175 students and probably their parents and possibly other teachers and administrators judging me; I want to do my best. My perfectionist tendencies mean I’ll rewrite a lesson until late into the night, trying to make sure it’s interesting, applicable, hitting Common Core objectives, going to fill all 54 minutes, and so on… it’s exhausting. It’s demanding.
And it’s effing up my writing and wifeing.
Writing takes up so much of my mental energy because I have to exist in that world. My mind has to be connected to my characters and plot, and dwelling on them in the background of my day so that when I sit down in the evening to work, I know what’s going on and can jump into the pages.
But with teaching–and this is probably worsened by being a first-year-teacher–I don’t have that extra mental space. It’s taken up by keeping track of what I should be collecting, saying, directing, assessing, plus I have to make constant decisions like “am I going to confiscate that phone that I see in Joe’s lap even though he isn’t currently texting with it?” or “should I let Vanessa go to the bathroom so she doesn’t pee her pants even though she shouldn’t leave without the hall pass, which Haoyan currently has?” or “this activity is taking longer than I planned; what can I cut or postpone?”
There’s no time for story planning.
Then, when I get home, the last thing I want to do is cook or clean or even talk. I usually need a full hour of veg time after I get home before I can do anything else (and then that “something else” is usually grading or lesson planning). I have not been very nice to Jeff during this time. I’ve also not been very conversational since my mind is so occupied.
How do I fix all this?
I think I need to get back into the habit of daily morning walks with Benny Dog. The thought of losing my already meager amount of sleep feels killer, but I know those walks were very good for me. I could daydream about my writing while getting exercise and helping to tire out the pooch. And maybe the actions will magically translate into more energy later on so I can interact more positively with my husband at the end of the day. Plus, as we all know from “Legally Blonde” that “endorphins make people happy, and happy people don’t shoot their husbands!’ Which… is important.
Other than that? I don’t know. I just need to keep hanging in there and plugging away at my lesson planning. I really hope that I get to teach the same courses next year, for just one year of relative calm before they start switching it all up on me again.
The plus side of all this is that despite how incredibly busy I constantly am, I’m not depressed like I became in the-office-of-hell!
Any other suggestions for anything, blog world? Help me live life. hahaha
aaaaahhh PLUS I still owe Jamie her critique notes… they exist and I shall finish them! :)